By coincidence, a bunch of paranormal investigation shows have started airing around dinner time and because I love UFOS, ghosts, and Bigfoot the way a kid loves candy, I have been watching a few of them. Sadly, the experience has been underwhelming.
The main problem is the shows are not scary. Most of them are kind of dull, the paranormal equivalent of having to watch your aunt and uncle’s vacation slides (think how blessed we are now–your aunt and uncle post their vacation pictures on Facebook and you can easily–and without repercussion–ignore them, no painful, awkward visits necessary).
The formula is roughly the same for each:
- a group of people (sometimes an “official” ghost investigation unit, sometimes not) finds an allegedly haunted asylum/hospital/prison/hotel, etc to investigate. Usually the place is abandoned or closed, but not always.
- the investigators get a tour of the location by the owner.
- the investigation takes place. It happens almost exclusively at night, typically using night vision cameras, motion detectors, and other fancy electronic equipment to find and record spooky shenanigans.
- the investigators meet again in the day to examine the results and tell the owner that yep, their place is haunted, thanks for letting us check it out!
The meat of each show is the investigation. Here you watch grainy monochrome footage of the investigators walking around in the dark and sometimes you’ll hear a noise off in the background or an unintelligible voice. Sometimes their equipment will light up to indicate something, though nothing is visible or otherwise apparent. Occasionally there might be a little blip of light or something that only shows up on the video replays done in the post-investigation analysis. Does this sound exciting? It could be, if the voices were intelligible and shouted things like, “GET OUT OR I’LL BEHEAD ALL OF YOU WITH MY SPIRIT SWORD!” or if you saw translucent figures float up to dudes with their FLIR cameras and giving them the finger before dematerializing.
But these things do not happen. In fact, the best evidence that the shows are not faked is in how little actually happens. You don’t need to fake a non-event. Which makes me sad. I kind of wish they were faked because they’d be more interesting. Instead, I watch because the alternative is one of the approximately billion reality shows based in Alaska, or something about cars. Americans (all of this programming hails from south of the border) seem to love ghosts, cars, and Alaska. It’s only a matter of time before someone cleverly combines all of these into the ultimate reality show.
Here is how I rank the shows I’ve seen:
- Ghost Hunters. One of the oldest shows. It’s low key and a couple of the guys are cute. Nothing much happens. The science angle is there but not pushed much.
- Ghost Stalkers. This one is weird. It’s two guys who have had near death experiences and believe there are portals that let the dead come through. One of them seems to be genuinely afraid of everything and jumps and cries out a lot. I don’t think it’s supposed to be funny, but it sort of is. He also seems to get minor scratches or marks on his body because the ghosts won’t stop touching him. As I said, weird.
- Ghost Asylum. A bunch of southern boys investigate, and play up the science angle a good bit, but then there’s always a segment where they go to a local store to buy material for ghost traps because they want to catch the ghosts and then free them from the place they are haunting because what ghost wouldn’t appreciate a change of scenery? Usually they return to their home base, use some gizmo to get a reading on the trap, get nothing and shrug, figuring the ghost never got trapped or it got away. Good job releasing tormented spirits into the neighborhood, guys! Each episode ends with someone putting up a framed picture of the group posing in front of the asylum/scary place. I think more people should do that, put up framed pictures of themselves after visiting some place. It doesn’t have to be a haunted asylum. It could be McDonald’s.
- Um, I can’t remember the fourth one. Ghost Adventures, maybe? Anyway, people investigated haunted places and stuff and nothing much happened.
