I find myself sitting at the computer. I am relaxed and at ease after a nice walk out on an early spring afternoon. I’m also a bit stinky because I walk like a hurricane and my deodorant apparently can’t keep up. My interview doppelganger will be called Dopple for short.
Dopple: Introduce yourself to the audience.
Me: I’m Creole Ned, just like it says in the title of this blog.
Dopple: That’s not your real name, though, is it?
Me: No. It’s all explained here.
Dopple: Can you provide a brief summary for people averse to clicking links?
Me: It’s a random name I made up for a gaming lobby back in the early-ish days of the Internet. I don’t have a particular love for creole food, it just seemed like a funny title to go with a nerdy-sounding name like Ned. The combination is also pretty rare. There aren’t a lot of Creole Neds out there.
Dopple: Does that make you feel special?
Me: Not really.
Dopple: Tell me a little about this blog.
Me: I started this blog back in February 2005 because it seemed like an interesting way to collect my thoughts into a journal that could be read by anyone with an Internet connection. In retrospect I’m not sure it was a good idea but fortunately very few people actually read it.
Dopple: Does it bother you that you don’t get many hits or views or whatever they call it when someone looks at your site?
Me: Sometimes it bugs me a little, but the blog has no real focus, so there’s no “hook” to lure people back, like funny pictures, a serialized story or high-quality porn. I mean, 462 posts are about jogging. Jogging is not interesting to read about (though I try to spice things up by swallowing bugs and injuring myself when I run). Do you know how many hits the site got on March 19th? None! There are about five hundred billion people on the Internet and no one came to this site on March 19th, not even by accident. Sometimes it gets a little depressing but the blog gives me a place to write lists, so there’s that.
Dopple: Tell me about lists.
Me: I love lists. I bought all those Book of Lists books when I was a kid. I used to devour the Guinness Book of World Records, which was really just a giant set of lists. Lists are easy and fun, two of my favorite things. However, lists don’t make for good discussion, which is why I don’t like lists on forums.
Dopple: Go on.
Me: Someone starts a thread, “Name your ten favorite movies featuring blimps” and every post is just a list like this:
- Black Sunday
- Hindenburg
- The Island at the Top of the World
- Around the World in 80 Days
There’s no actual discussion, it’s all just lists. You might get someone disputing Around the World in 80 Days because they used balloons, not blimps, but that’s about it. By the way, The Island at the Top of the World is one of those bonkers early 70s movies that came out of Disney when they didn’t know what the hell they were doing. It’s great. Or at least that’s the way my nine-year old self remembers it.
Dopple: Let’s talk about some of your other favorite things. What’s your favorite color?
Me: I used to say red but I’m partial to pink now, which is really just a lighter version of red. My favorite shade is probably deep pink, which has a solid sturdiness to it.
Dopple: Gay.
Me: Complete coincidence! Besides, assigning colors to gender or sexual orientation is dumb, so I’m doing my bit to help change that.
Dopple: That’s very progressive of you. What’s your favorite food?
Me: Anything with melted cheese on it.
Dopple: So liver with melted cheese?
Me: Yuck, no.
Dopple: So anything you like with melted cheese on it?
Me: Yes please.
Dopple: Who is your favorite author and why?
Me: This sounds lazy because he’s sold a trillion books, but Stephen King. Why? Because he writes so effortlessly. Even his bad stuff just rolls along. He doesn’t put up barriers, he invites the reader along for a ride. It may be a trip in a sedan along a quiet country road, it may be on a roller coaster that threatens to fly off the tracks on every corner. His characters breathe and feel real. He’s even managed a few good endings. I’ve almost forgiven him for It. Almost. But I also like a certain level of absurdity because in many ways I think life is absurd, and for that I find Douglas Adams scratched that itch. Then he died. David Wong (Jason Pargin) is pretty good at capturing an Americanized take on that absurdity, though.
Dopple: Do you read a lot?
Me: I’m not a fast reader but with my longish commute I manage around 32-36 books a year. I mostly read trash.
Dopple: Why do you read trash?
Me: Because I want, above all else, to be entertained. I’m not averse to learning about the human condition, man’s inhumanity to man and all that, but wrap it up in something that’s enjoyable to plow through. Plus I have always had a fondness for things like Bigfoot, UFOs, conspiracy theories and so on.
Dopple: Do you believe in all that nutty stuff?
Me: No. The conspiracy theory stuff, in particular, fascinates me because it shows how otherwise sane people can be led to believe ridiculous things. Look up “chemtrails” or “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams.” I’ll wait here.
Dopple: I’ll look them up later. What about Bigfoot?
Me: I think Bigfoot or something like it could be real. Woods are scary. And then there’s the ocean. We hardly know what’s going on way down there at points that are deeper than Mt. Everest is high. Sure, maybe it’s just a bunch of blind glow-in-the-dark shrimp, but it could also be The Great Old Ones biding their time before wiping us out, for all we know.
Dopple: Let’s shift gears a bit. Tell me about your hobbies.
Me: I like to draw. Well, I used to.
Dopple: Why did you stop?
Me: I’m not very good at it.
Dopple: Practice makes perfect!
Me: Lazy.
Dopple: I know you have a Wacom tablet…
Me: It’s gathering dust. I mean that literally. I found it the other day while looking for something. Caked with dust. This place is very dusty.
Dopple: You used to draw a lot as a kid.
Me: Yes, I did a lot of drawing through my teens and twenties. I made comics like The Ever Continuing Saga of the Round Balls, Bablee Duck, Angry Carrot and so on. I started scrawling with pencil crayons and ballpoint pens (tip: not the best tool for drawing), then moved to a Koalapad on a Commodore 64 and eventually a Wacom Bamboo tablet on PC. The tablets always felt awkward, like I was drawing by remote control. I can see why tablets with built-in screens like the Cintiq are popular with artists, even if most artists can’t actually afford them.
Dopple: You see the iPad Pro and it tempts you, doesn’t it?
Me: Maybe. Yes. Yes, it does. But I’m looking at something like $1500 to doodle for half an hour and then give up forever. It’s not a good investment. And I already have a Surface Pro 3 with pen. I’ve tried doodling on that and it didn’t take.
Dopple: But the iPad Pro is so much sexier…
Me: I’m not listening! This interview is over!
Dopple: Aw, come on, just a few more questions. We haven’t even talked about your writing or sexual preferences.
Me: Ho ho.
Dopple: So tell me about–
Me: Two more questions. Then I have to do something important, like check my garrison in World of Warcraft.
Dopple: That doesn’t sound important.
Me: Don’t judge me.
Dopple: Can we continue this interview later, then?
Me: I will permit that, yes.
Dopple: Very generous of you.
Me: I’m a generous guy, as you know.
Dopple: What’s the most private thing you’re willing to admit?
Me: Isn’t that a profile question from OK Cupid?
Dopple: Yes.
Me: It’s a dumb question.
Dopple: Indulge me.
Me: I wear socks when having sex.
Dopple: Ew.
Me: You asked.
Dopple: All the time?
Me: Is that the second question?
Dopple: No. How about this: Is the Apple Watch worth it?
Me: Not really. But I would hate to forget to put it on.
Dopple: How seemingly contradictory!
Me: That’s my motto.
That’s all we have time for today. Check out the second part of the interview where we learn more about growing up in Duncan, writing, singing and UFOs.
