It occurred to me the other day that I hadn’t written anything on this blog that wasn’t a run report or birding-related since September 3 and wondered, why is it? Ennui? Lack of interest? Just plain laziness? Questioning the value of putting my thoughts out onto this weird, hollow shell we call the internet?
I’m still not sure, but one thing also rolled into my mind shortly after: That I survived cancer. A year ago I didn’t even know I had cancer. In fact, it wasn’t until after my surgery in May this year that it was confirmed to be cancer–specifically thymoma (warning: link includes a kind of gross photo of a thymoma), a “less aggressive” form of cancer that forms as a tumor inside the same space where the thymus gland lives.
The surgery successfully removed the entire tumor, with no evidence that it had spread at all, so I am, as of now, cancer-free. But that’s the thing with cancer–once it’s in you, it can come back, unbidden and unwelcome. It’s why I have a follow-up CT scan scheduled for the one year anniversary of the surgery, in May 2027.
I’m not concerned, exactly, though there is that thought that circles in the back of my mind: that it could return. And that would be no fun.
But does it explain the lack of blog posts?
Maybe, maybe not. I think it’s had some effect, because it’s made me pull back and start reexamining a lot of things, and deciding what’s important, what isn’t, and what silly things are still worth doing, even if they’re not capital letter Important. Is blogging one of them?
I think it is, but I’m not as sure as I once was. Many days this past month I had the urge to write something (my approach, discussed before, is: every topic, no matter how trivial or inane, is fair game), but I always held off. Of course, doing this creates a reinforcing habit of not writing. Someone offered the generic “follow your muse”, which is terrible advice because the muse doesn’t exist. It’s another way of saying. “Wait for inspiration,” which is also terrible advice. I mean, it’s good advice if you never want to do anything, because you can always claim, guilt-free, that the muse/inspiration never came to visit.
To do something you need to invest in it, put in the effort. Do the work. I enjoy writing and something happened this month that made me generally not want to. You have to go back to February 2020–over six years ago–to find a time where I posted less than 30 posts per month. Something happened.
Whether it was confronting my own mortality and being left unsure about the future, or something else, it put a stop to everything that wasn’t a semiautomatic thing (like the running posts). This carried over into other areas, too, where I just felt less engaged or plugged in. I became a spectator instead of a participant. And I don’t even use AI!
Anyway, I shall ponder things and see if other posts follow this one, and if so, when.
I am planning on trying Inktober this year, so that would guarantee a post-per-day and might lead to more. We’ll all find out tomorrow!