For this May 4th1May the Fourth be with you, see? lol etc., I was originally going to do a list ranking the Star Wars games I’ve played, then I realized, despite there being about a million Star Wars games, I’ve only played a few, so ranking them would be kind of silly.
I played Jedi Knight (Dark Forces II) in 1997, and it was awesome. As an early 3D shooter, its graphics are incredibly dated now, but it still retains its best features: an engaging story that moves you across the galaxy, a slow accumulation of nifty force powers, the eventual acquisition of a light saber. And the level design had a sense of scale that few shooters I’ve played since have really captured. Some games (like it’s not-quite 3D predecessor) have gotten remakes, but this one remains unloved, which is a shame.
The sequel, Jedi Outcast, looks better (it uses the Quake engine) and while it’s fine, I feel it falls short of Jedi Knight–though the light saber action is improved. I bought that sequel to that game, Jedi Academy, but strangely never played it.
I also played Star Wars: The Old Republic, creating a bunch of characters, getting them into the 20s, then repeating the process until I’d filled every character slot. I got to see several planets and engage in sufficient pew-pew. It was fine as MMOs go, but I never stuck to it, though I’m not sure if it was the game specifically, or just that I was burning out on all MMOs at that point. I did create maybe the creepiest Jedi ever:
“Of course I’m a good guy. Why do you ask? Heh heh.”
Oh, and I remember playing the Star Wars arcade game that came out in 1983. It had colour vector graphics, which was very spiffy back then, and used sound and voice samples from the movies. That was a good time and a trusty quarter-eater.
I played tiny bits of:
Knights of the Old Republic (I dimly recall I did not like the controls)
Pod Racer (it was on loop in the store I worked at back in 1999)
The Empire Strikes Back (the Parker Brothers game for the Atari 2600, through emulation, since I never had the cartridge)
And this concludes my Star Wars game adventures. May you live long and prosper with the force.
I recently watched the original Star Wars trilogy again and while I’ve seen all three movies multiple times before, I’ve never watched them back-to-back. How do they hold up to the grumpy, world-weary version of me in 2024 vs. the kid who marvelled to Star Wars in 1977? Let’s find out!
NOTE: I watched on Disney+, so these are the special editions. I’ll have more on that aspect of the movies in each review.
First, here’s how I rank the movies, in order and on a scale of 1 to 5 Ewoks shouting “Yub yub!”:
The Empire Strikes Back (4.5 Ewoks)
A New Hope (4 Ewoks)
Return of the Jedi (3.75 Ewoks)
And in chronological order:
Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
This is a bit of a weird movie, because it feels like Lucas was still deciding how the characters should behave, so Luke starts out super whiny, then seems to settle down. Leia has a British accent that slowly goes away, maybe after Lucas decided all the bad guys should be British. Also, the light saber duel between Kenobi and Vader (spoiler!) is stiff and perfunctory. A light saber duel should never be perfunctory. This is corrected in all other Star Wars movies.
Still, there’s so much to like here. John Williams’ score, right from the opening fanfare, lifts so much of the movie beyond what Lucas shot. There’s a moment where Luke walks out to watch the twin suns of Tatooine setting. He stands with a hand propped on one knee, a gentle breeze riffling his hair, the glow of the suns washing over his face and the score swells, then fades, perfectly capturing Luke contemplating his life and if there’s anything more for him (hint: there is).
The lived-in look of everything here–the homes, bars, the ships, grounds the more fantastic elements. And those fantastic elements are at turns creepy (sand people), delightful (the jawas) and just weird (the cantina scene). There’s humour, derring-do, plenty of action and the good guys win. Really, what more could you want?
I am raising my own hand here. I know, I know! What you could want is a remastered version of the original print, because almost everything Lucas added or changed for the special edition is unnecessary or actively terrible. The worst list:
Greedo shooting first. The fact they that have tweaked this multiple times since shows how dumb a change it was.
Adding back the Jabba the Hutt scene with a crappy-looking CGI Jabba. Because the scene was cut, some of its dialogue was moved to the scene between Han and Greedo. So you end up with literal dialogue duplication. So bad.
Every bit of business added in the Mos Eisley street scenes, most of which seem to be designed to delight five-year-olds and annoy anyone else.
Adding the scene between Biggs and Luke was a nice touch, but I’d still have nixed it if it meant getting rid of all the other junk Lucas put in.
Overall, though, this is a terrific popcorn movie, elevated by effects that hold up surprisingly well, a rousing score and an appealing cast.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
This is a better film than Star Wars for a couple of reasons:
The script is smarter.
The actors are more comfortable in their roles.
The story is pretty good–being the middle part, there’s lots of drama as the rebels get pushed back by the Empire.
The effects and action scenes are well-executed and mostly still hold up.
Taun tauns!
Imperial walkers are cool. Don’t think about them logically. They are COOL.
Irvin Kershner is a better director than Lucas.
The light saber duel between Luke and Vader (spoilers!) is great and far more dynamic than the “wave sticks around while standing still” battle in the first movie.
Also notable is the special edition of Empire only tweaks a few things, the most notable being an additional shot of the snow beast eating before it decides to go chow down on Luke, suspended upside-down in its ice lair. I can see the argument that showing more of the monster lessens its menace and agree, but overall I am neutral to the addition. Kershner died in 2010 at the age of 87, so unlike Richard Marquand (director of Return of the Jedi), he was still very much alive when the special editions came out. I suspect Lucas used a lighter touch in deference to him.
While the nature of Empire is such that you can’t really recommend it for “if you’re only going to watch just one Star Wars movie”, it is definitely a great choice if you get the urge to revisit any of the original trilogy.
Return of the Jedi (1983)
Luke’s hair is shorter and neater, as befits a Jedi.
This is often placed third in rankings of the original trilogy and it’s easy to see why. But it’s still a good movie!
First, let me say this up front: The Ewoks are fine. Yes, they are cute, but they’re also weird, with their creepy big eyes and desire to eat our heroes when they first meet them. And yes, it’s hokey that they use literal sticks and stones against Imperial troops, but watch the battle scenes, and it’s made clear that a lot of their tactics are ineffective, while some work really well. They’re fine.
In retrospect, it’s a bit odd, perhaps, that they devoted the first act entirely to the rescue of Han Solo. It’s kind of a prologue for the rest of the movie. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as it gives the writers a chance to show off the characters in a different kind of action–all stealthy and sneaky. It’s also the kind of thing none of the new movies would have ever done. Characters over action? Never!
And while the third act is largely devoted to a retread of the original–take out the Death Star–it makes sense that the Empire would build another one, this time with better defenses. So I’m good with that. And having it be a) under construction makes for neat scenes inside its superstructure and b) allows for the surprise twist of “Oh yeah, we totes have the cannon ready to go, rebels!”
The speeder bike scenes on Endor remain highly entertaining.
The scenes between Vader, the Emperor and Luke are great. The duels between Vader and Luke (spoiler!) nicely demonstrate the growth of Luke into a full Jedi.
My biggest nitpick, apart from the special edition changes (see below), is that Han Solo’s character is just…off. Ford gives a weird, hammy performance, and I’m not sure if it’s him, the director, the script (which is not as sharp as Empire’s) or some combination of the three. He’s not terrible, but he was far better in Empire. A strange regression.
Overall, it’s a fun and satisfying conclusion to the trilogy. The good guys win. Again!
But those special edition changes…
The reworked number in Jabba’s palace is terrible. The song is worse, the new character is a stupid-looking Muppet-like1I’m not dissing on Muppets. I love Muppets, but this one literally looked like it belonged on The Muppet Show, not in a Star Wars movie. thing that looks totally out of place and mugs, bafflingly, to the camera. Absolute garbage. Again, it seems like Lucas was aiming this directly at pre-school children for some reason.
Having Vader shout “No!” (twice!) while watching the Emperor zap Luke actually takes away from the moment, making it ham-fisted in typical Lucas style. We can see what’s happening. Vader literally turns his head back and forth between Luke and the Emperor before deciding to toss Ol’ Wrinkly Face down the tube. It doesn’t need to be further telegraphed. Unless you’re George Lucas.
The infamous “Yub yub” Ewok number at the end is also changed to something more prim and proper, and scenes of people celebrating on Naboo, Coruscant and Bespin are added (if you haven’t seen the prequel trilogy, these shots will be somewhat baffling as Naboo and Coruscant are not seen or mentioned in the original trilogy). Also, the old song had a choir that reached a crescendo just as the camera focuses on the gang posing for a group photo, leading directly into the credits, and it just kind of gives you goose bumps. The new song doesn’t really do this.
Lucas’ meddling can’t ruin the film, though, so it remains a somewhat flawed but still satisfying conclusion to the original saga.
Continuing the trend of bad puns, this time in written form, it’s Star Wars Day. You know, May the 4th be with you, see? It’s funny to everyone except Jedi, and they’re not real, anyway.
Combining Star Wars and lists, here are all the non-animated Star Wars movies, ranked from best to worst, in my very much not humble opinion:
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Star Wars1Purists note: I am going by the original release title (1977)
Return of the Jedi (1983)
Rogue One (2016)
The Force Awakens/The Last Jedi (tie2I will explain the tie below) (2015, 2017)
Revenge of the Sith (2005)
The Phantom Menace (1999)
Solo (2018)
Attack of the Clones (2002)
The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Notes:
The top two picks are non-controversial, though some says Star Wars: A New Hope is the better movie, and I can be swayed by these arguments if I’m in the mood. I still give the edge to Empire because I feel it’s a richer experience, with a more assured director at the helm.
Yes, Return of the Jedi ranks #3, even with the Ewoks. Yub yub! And this is for the original, not the special edition, where all the changes were uniformly awful.
The Force Awakens is a shameless retread of A New Hope, but if you accept that, it’s generally pretty good. I previously ranked The Last Jedi higher, but in retrospect, I think Rian Johnson may have pushed a little too far in subverting expectations for the middle part of a trilogy.
Yes, I really do think Revenge of the Sith is better than four other Star Wars films. That doesn’t mean I think it’s a great movie.
Regarding the above, even my second-worst pick, Attack of the Clones, is still a lot better than the gormless Rise of Skywalker, some of the most ham-handed, graceless “summer blockbuster” film-making ever. The only Star Wars movie where I left the theatre unambiguously disappointed and shaking my head. I am still shaking my head.
Some of these movies I have never seen more than once. If I revisit them, the order above may change.
UPDATE, December 21, 2023: I have made a few tweaks to the review, but rest assured, I still think THIS IS A VERY BAD MOVIE.
This was a bad movie and a bad Star Wars movie.
I was excited when it was announced that Lucas had sold the rights to Star Wars to Disney. Disney has been making extremely competent pop movies for a while now, so I was confident they would do a good job here–and better than Lucas had with the prequel trilogy.
(To give Lucas credit, for all the problems the prequels had, there is a defining vision that underlies all three movies, and each builds on the other. This leaves aside the quality of execution and a lot of curious design choices, but the vision was there.)
So in 2015 we get The Force Awakens. J.J. Abrams is the director and I actually felt at the time that he was a good choice–Star Wars is big, kid-friendly fluff and with a good script and cast, it’s the kind of thing Abrams can do well. The Force Awakens borrows copiously from the original Star Wars, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it’s a little eye-rolling (please please please no more Death Stars or Death Star substitutes), but the new characters are engaging and fun to watch, and it feels like Star Wars. Everything you want is there.
The Last Jedi is more like a modern Star Wars–less fluffy, more gritty, with more consequences. It deliberately plays against some of the established tropes, even as it copies beats from The Empire Strikes Back. By the end, I was wondering how the rebellion would come back in the third movie after being reduced to what seemed like a room full of people by the end. Ho ho, if I had only known. EDIT: In retrospect, I feel The Last Jedi tried a bit too hard to deconstruct Star Wars, which may have pushed Abrams and crew to basically create an almost standalone film to close the trilogy.
And then we have The Rise of Skywalker, or Star Wars as Written By a 15-Year-Old Star Wars Nerd.
There are things I liked. The effects were nice. The cast, although let down by a generally awful script, remain fun to watch. Ian McDiarmid still chews scenery with unbridled glee. Some of the lightsaber fights were entertaining (I especially liked the one on the wreck of the Death Star1Neat visual, but ugh, with Rey clearly fatigued).
But everything else ranged from okay to just bad. Oh, so bad.
The scenes with Leia felt awkward, because all of her dialog was generic (for obvious reasons). I would have preferred they recast her role for the final movie or just not featured her character at all (have her join with the force in an early scene or something).
Rey turns out to be the granddaughter of Palpatine instead of a scrappy scavenger who just happens to turn out awesome. Bleah.
And the lineage of Rey underlines my central complaint with the film (apart from its relentless pacing, which was more exhausting than thrilling): The Rise of Skywalker is stuffed full of plot devices that are made just for this film, that have not been built on or even mentioned in previous movies. The stakes feel non-existent because everything is just thrown at the viewer out of nowhere.
The Emperor somehow survives or gets cloned, despite last seen falling down some giant shaft in a Death Star that exploded minutes later. But this is actually not the dumbest thing in the movie. Palpatine’s resurrection would have worked a lot better–along with the whole “I’m stuffed full of Sith, haha!” thing–if it had been set up from the first movie and played out over all three.
Hyperspace skipping, or whatever it was called. Why? So dumb. The last jump should have had them slam into the wall of a canyon and die, ending the movie early and saving everyone a lot of time.
If General Redhead had held up a sign, Wile E. Coyote-style, that said “I’m the spy!” it would not have been any more dumb than him blurting it out the way he did. It would have been better, really. Also, why did he believe Kylo Ren had to be stopped? Why did he say he didn’t care who won? Why was his character sacrificed for this dubious plot? And who was the grumpy old man who shot him? Like so many things in this movie, grumpy old man is just there with no explanation.
Abrams, never a master of subtlety, decides to give every Star Destroyer the ability to literally destroy stars. Or planets. Why? As Poe says, “Sure, why not?” Because it’s so cool (if you are a 15-year-old Star Wars nerd).
Speaking of, I literally rolled my eyes when the surprise fleet of ten million ships magically shows up at the final battle. Very good timing there. Good thing it was telegraphed heavily multiple times beforehand, so it wouldn’t seem at all like an actual surprise. I’ll pretend the boy sweeping at the end of The Last Jedi was on one of those ten million ships.
Finn keeps saying he wants to say something, then he never says it. WHY?! It’s the last movie, have him say it! There is not going to be a Finn spinoff series, sorry.
Rey kissing Kylo at the end was grossbuckets.
Rey proclaiming herself Rey Skywalker at the end also made me roll my eyes.
Space horses.
The new droid should have had a price tag on it, since its only purpose was to enhance merchandising.
Did I mention the pacing? The movie never slowed down and ended up feeling shapeless, just careening from one action scene to another, with tiny bits of character moments squeezed in-between.
Rose is reduced to almost a cameo for no apparent (or good) reason.
On the plus side, they couldn’t think of a way to bring back Jabba the Hutt or have someone frozen in carbonite. If only J.J. Abrams had been frozen in carbonite.
Anyway, this was a disappointing end to what could have been a great trilogy. I’ll conclude by damning it with faint praise: for all its excesses, missed opportunities and general level of dumb-even by Star Wars standards–it was still better than Solo.
BUT NOT BY MUCH. In hindsight, I was mistaken. Solo is not a good movie, but it is still better than this sloppy, shoddy excuse of a film.
I’m a sucker for random name generators and came across one that can convert your real name into an authentic* Star Wars one.
Below is the handy code/link the site provided by the site for my name. Yes, I am Giantdream Atotos. Atotos has a pleasant ring to it but I’m not convinced yet on Giantdream. And a clone? I wanted to be a bounty hunter. Bounty hunters are cool. Clones are not. Unless it’s a cool clone, in which case all of them would be cool.
