I have had ultrasounds done before, so today’s experience was not new. But the preparation led to some unintended drama, which is almost always worse than intended drama.
My preparation for the ultrasound1 was to drink four cups (100 ml) of water two hours before, then hold it until I was on the table, as it were.
I drank the requisite amount (more, actually, as I had been sipping from breakfast onward) and felt appropriately bloated by the time I began the 30-minute walk to the lab. The predictable happened: my bladder, which has always seemed to hold a completely inadequate amount of liquid, began to say PEE NOW OR YOU WILL REGRET EVERYTHING.
I was on a sidewalk, so this was not an option. Picking up the pace only made the sensation more urgent, so I just kept walking, occasionally doing the flexing fingers thing when I really have to go. I tried avoiding thinking about things like waterfalls or warm cups of water.
Finally, I got to the mall where the lab is located. I had already done the calculus where even if I peed a bit, I’d have more than enough water in me to not alter the results. As I strode to the public washrooms, I thought about how the worse you had to go, the more likely the washrooms would be closed.
I turned the corner to the washrooms and the double doors leading to them were shut, with a sign on one:
CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE.
Of course.
I knew there were washrooms upstairs, so I gingerly climbed the staircase and made my way down another hallway, to a set of three washrooms: hers, his and accessible. Each door had a keypad on it. I tried the men’s and yep, it was locked. My bladder was not amused. I noticed the accessible washroom was OCCUPIED so I casually hung out nearby as my bladder got ready to explode. An older woman exited and I caught the door before it could lock, but no so soon that I came across as some creepy weirdo hanging around washrooms. Or so I hoped.
Having done the deed and restored some semblance of calm, I went to the lab and they got me in early. Nice!
The process was the same as before: lay on your back, then the left side, then the right side. Take deep breaths, exhale, repeat. Also, really cold gel will be applied to your skin and a cold wand will be pressed into the gel to remind you again how very cold it is.
Partway through, I was instructed to go take care of Mr. Bladder, then return. When I returned, the person attending asked, “Is that better?” and while it may seem an obvious question to ask someone who has been holding in a large amount of water for hours, I still said SWEET DEAR GOD YES. In my mind. Out loud, I just said, “yes.”
It all wrapped up shortly after, and I “rewarded” myself with a filet-o-fish at a nearby McDonald’s. It was fine. I was not overly thirsty. My doctor will know in 2-3 days if I’m pregnant, hosting an alien or maybe, just maybe, healthy!
- The other Ultrasound I had was the Gravis UltraSound (adorably nicknamed GUS), a sound card for PCs made back in the 486 days. Despite some compatibility issues, it was still more fun than the kind of ultrasound I had today. ↩︎