Movie review: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

UPDATE, December 21, 2023: I have made a few tweaks to the review, but rest assured, I still think THIS IS A VERY BAD MOVIE.

This was a bad movie and a bad Star Wars movie.

I was excited when it was announced that Lucas had sold the rights to Star Wars to Disney. Disney has been making extremely competent pop movies for a while now, so I was confident they would do a good job here–and better than Lucas had with the prequel trilogy.

(To give Lucas credit, for all the problems the prequels had, there is a defining vision that underlies all three movies, and each builds on the other. This leaves aside the quality of execution and a lot of curious design choices, but the vision was there.)

So in 2015 we get The Force Awakens. J.J. Abrams is the director and I actually felt at the time that he was a good choice–Star Wars is big, kid-friendly fluff and with a good script and cast, it’s the kind of thing Abrams can do well. The Force Awakens borrows copiously from the original Star Wars, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it’s a little eye-rolling (please please please no more Death Stars or Death Star substitutes), but the new characters are engaging and fun to watch, and it feels like Star Wars. Everything you want is there.

The Last Jedi is more like a modern Star Wars–less fluffy, more gritty, with more consequences. It deliberately plays against some of the established tropes, even as it copies beats from The Empire Strikes Back. By the end, I was wondering how the rebellion would come back in the third movie after being reduced to what seemed like a room full of people by the end. Ho ho, if I had only known. EDIT: In retrospect, I feel The Last Jedi tried a bit too hard to deconstruct Star Wars, which may have pushed Abrams and crew to basically create an almost standalone film to close the trilogy.

And then we have The Rise of Skywalker, or Star Wars as Written By a 15-Year-Old Star Wars Nerd.

There are things I liked. The effects were nice. The cast, although let down by a generally awful script, remain fun to watch. Ian McDiarmid still chews scenery with unbridled glee. Some of the lightsaber fights were entertaining (I especially liked the one on the wreck of the Death Star1Neat visual, but ugh, with Rey clearly fatigued).

But everything else ranged from okay to just bad. Oh, so bad.

The scenes with Leia felt awkward, because all of her dialog was generic (for obvious reasons). I would have preferred they recast her role for the final movie or just not featured her character at all (have her join with the force in an early scene or something).

Rey turns out to be the granddaughter of Palpatine instead of a scrappy scavenger who just happens to turn out awesome. Bleah.

And the lineage of Rey underlines my central complaint with the film (apart from its relentless pacing, which was more exhausting than thrilling): The Rise of Skywalker is stuffed full of plot devices that are made just for this film, that have not been built on or even mentioned in previous movies. The stakes feel non-existent because everything is just thrown at the viewer out of nowhere.

  • The Emperor somehow survives or gets cloned, despite last seen falling down some giant shaft in a Death Star that exploded minutes later. But this is actually not the dumbest thing in the movie. Palpatine’s resurrection would have worked a lot better–along with the whole “I’m stuffed full of Sith, haha!” thing–if it had been set up from the first movie and played out over all three.
  • Hyperspace skipping, or whatever it was called. Why? So dumb. The last jump should have had them slam into the wall of a canyon and die, ending the movie early and saving everyone a lot of time.
  • If General Redhead had held up a sign, Wile E. Coyote-style, that said “I’m the spy!” it would not have been any more dumb than him blurting it out the way he did. It would have been better, really. Also, why did he believe Kylo Ren had to be stopped? Why did he say he didn’t care who won? Why was his character sacrificed for this dubious plot? And who was the grumpy old man who shot him? Like so many things in this movie, grumpy old man is just there with no explanation.
  • Abrams, never a master of subtlety, decides to give every Star Destroyer the ability to literally destroy stars. Or planets. Why? As Poe says, “Sure, why not?” Because it’s so cool (if you are a 15-year-old Star Wars nerd).
  • Speaking of, I literally rolled my eyes when the surprise fleet of ten million ships magically shows up at the final battle. Very good timing there. Good thing it was telegraphed heavily multiple times beforehand, so it wouldn’t seem at all like an actual surprise. I’ll pretend the boy sweeping at the end of The Last Jedi was on one of those ten million ships.
  • Finn keeps saying he wants to say something, then he never says it. WHY?! It’s the last movie, have him say it! There is not going to be a Finn spinoff series, sorry.
  • Rey kissing Kylo at the end was grossbuckets.
  • Rey proclaiming herself Rey Skywalker at the end also made me roll my eyes.
  • Space horses.
  • The new droid should have had a price tag on it, since its only purpose was to enhance merchandising.
  • Did I mention the pacing? The movie never slowed down and ended up feeling shapeless, just careening from one action scene to another, with tiny bits of character moments squeezed in-between.
  • Rose is reduced to almost a cameo for no apparent (or good) reason.

On the plus side, they couldn’t think of a way to bring back Jabba the Hutt or have someone frozen in carbonite. If only J.J. Abrams had been frozen in carbonite.

Anyway, this was a disappointing end to what could have been a great trilogy. I’ll conclude by damning it with faint praise: for all its excesses, missed opportunities and general level of dumb-even by Star Wars standards–it was still better than Solo.

BUT NOT BY MUCH. In hindsight, I was mistaken. Solo is not a good movie, but it is still better than this sloppy, shoddy excuse of a film.

Also, here are 23 of the worst parts of the movie (some of which I highlight above), and I agree with all of them: The 23 Worst Parts of ‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’

Treadmill walk: Present for Christmas

What better way to celebrate the yuletide than to walk for 40 minutes on a treadmill? Little did I know how catastrophically bad the actual day was going to unfold (coal all around), but earlier when there was peace and all that, the treadmill stood ready.

For this day’s workout, I decided to bump the speed from 6 to 7. That may not seem like much, but 7 feels a lot faster, sort of an uber-walking pace that is not quite a jog. It was simply too much to sustain, so I fell back to 6.5, which the treadmill informed me is a 9:13/km pace. I maintained that for 40 minutes and don’t mind say, toward the end I was getting a little tuckered.

I also jury-rigged a platform to put my Vornado fan on and it worked quite well, even on the low setting, reducing the buckets of sweat to a mere thimble. Getting a proper shelf is definitely on the to-do list now.

And the stats (with the previous 30 minute/6.0 walk in brackets). As you can see, the pace was definitely brisker–this is pretty much in line with my regular walk speed when I go out jogging– BPM was only slightly higher and I was able to cover more ground, so to speak:

Speed: 6.5 km/h (6 km/h)
Incline: 10

Pace: 9:17/km (9:45/km)
Time: 40:04 (30:04)
Distance: 4.31 km (3.08 km)
Calories burned: 363 (281)
BPM: 137 (135)

Treadmill walk: Christmas Eve burn

I did a repeat of yesterday’s treadmill workout, eschewing going out for a run because I was feeling a bit lazy and hey, it’s the holidays. Plus having an extra day to recover after a long layoff on a trail run is a good thing. Yep!

Tonight I walked to the dulcet tones of Jonathan Coulton. I have put the previous walk’s stats in brackets as comparison, because the settings and time for both walks were the same. Note the differences! They’re not major, but even small ones are nice to see. Specifically:

  • Pace is five seconds faster. I am beginning to approach the walking speed on my runs (ie. when I walk 1.5 km to the river or 4 km to the lake), except those walks feature an incline of mostly 0%, not 10%.
  • Time: Identical. This was just weird luck.
  • Distance: Befitting my faster pace, I covered a smidgen more.
  • Calories burned: Work harder, burn more! Seeing this number go up gives me warm fuzzies. And less fat.
  • BPM: Basically the same, as expected. In time this could drop more. 
Speed: 6 km/h
Incline: 10

Pace: 9:45/km (9:50/km)
Time: 30:04
Distance: 3.08 km (3.05 km)
Calories burned: 281 (259)
BPM: 135 (134)

Treadmill walks: After a run fun (?)

This was the first time I followed a run with a walk. That doesn’t sound like anything extraordinary, and it really isn’t, but I’m hoping it sets a pattern going forward where I’m putting in some exercise every day.

I walked for 30 minutes and just over 3 km at the usual settings. Compared to the previous walk, which was 50 minutes, pace was nearly identical at 9:50/km, but the BPM was lower–134 vs. 144. It still strikes me as funny how when I ramp the speed up to 6 km/h to start it seems absurdly fast, like I almost have to jog to keep up, then five minutes in, it feels like it’s going slow enough that I want to goose the speed higher.

Also, I think the fact that it is near-freezing outside and the heat is off inside (the condo seriously rarely requires the heat to be on to stay warm) meant I was able to keep the sweat somewhat under control. I still need to get some kind of fan set up.

The stats:

Speed: 6 km/h
Incline: 10

Pace: 9:50/km
Time: 30:04
Distance: 3.05 km
Calories burned: 259
BPM: 134

Darwin Award candidate rides bike on SkyTrain

Today I was waiting for the Expo Line train to arrive at Lougheed Station. As I waited, a Millennium Line train pulled in. These are stubby li’l two-car trains because Translink simply doesn’t have enough cars to outfit the Millennium Line properly. They are working to fix this over the next year. The people smooshed into these cars during rush hour will be grateful.

These two-car trains are (works out math) twice as short as the usual four-car ones, so they stop in the center of the platform. Because Lougheed has an epic-length platform, you have to cover a surprising distance after ascending the stairs or escalator to get to these shorter train.

A man seeking to ride on the wee Millennium Line train approached from my right, dangerously skirting the yellow line along the platform’s edge. He doubled the danger by bringing a bike. And when I say bringing, I mean riding. Yes, he was riding a bike on the platform. He did not have the surest grip, so there was some wobbling. I expected him to just go straight into the track area, set off the track intrusion system and then possibly electrocute himself on the power rail as he tried to get out.

Instead he made it to the train, but as he zoomed up to the open doors, he got into a brief conversation with someone onboard. Shortly after, the doors closed and the train left. I assume this person was telling him there was no room, or perhaps that he felt morally obligated to refuse entry because what kind of a dope rides a bike on a SkyTrain platform, anyway? The final part of this pantomime occurred when the guy pedaled farther down the platform. I didn’t see what transpired after that due to the crowds, but I’m kind of hoping he rode straight toward a SkyTrain official standing there with their arms folded and a, “Oh no you di’int!” look on their face.

Anyway, people are weird.

Book review: Dear Writer, You Need to Quit

Dear Writer, You Need to Quit

Dear Writer, You Need to Quit by Becca Syme

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I have read so many books on writing without writing that I feel it’s become my official career to write about books about writing.

Dear Writer, You Need to Quit is a good book about writing and manages to put a bit of a unique spin on the usual advice. Instead of addressing story structure, plot, characters and other mechanics, or providing the nitty gritty about finding a good agent or other specifics of the business of writing, Becca Syme instead tackles the things a new or indie writer needs to quit doing–including up to the possibility of not writing anymore.

It’s a light read and the tone is conversational–perhaps a bit too much at times–and the way Syme repeats key phrases, like “QTP” (Question The Premise) makes sections of the book feel more like a transcription of a class or talk (which it is, more or less, based on material she uses in coaching sessions and classes). On the plus side, this lends a kind of authenticity to the topics, as Syme isn’t just writing what sounds good, she’s providing advice based on her own experiences with authors. As a bonus, she is not afraid to point out where she has plainly blown it herself.

A lot of the book is built around tempering expectations and looking after yourself while pursuing the dream of making a living as a writer. Syme flatly states that for most people that this will not happen. Don’t quit your job is not a cliché here, it is a repeated mantra. Chapters are spent framing writing as a hobby you might make a little money from, but that’s all. Do it because you love it, but work it into your existing routines, don’t forfeit your job, time and money pursuing a dream that is unlikely to come true.

That sounds like a downer, and Syme admits as much–that if you don’t have the drive, it’s perfectly fine to just quit writing altogether.

She does address more specific topics, too, taking on the idea that you must plot out your story first (or just improvise and never plot), pulling back to essentially say what works for one writer may not work for you. Do what works for you.

In all, this is a breezy and eminently sensible set of tips on how to tackle the writing life. While it seems aimed at indie writers who have a few published novels already, new writers will benefit from at least considering the advice on offer.

Recommended.

View all my reviews

Run 644: Down by the riverside

Run 644
Average pace: 5:45/km
Location: Brunette River trail
Start: 2:58 pm
Distance: 5.02 km
Time: 28:52
Weather: Partly sunny
Temp: 7ºC
Humidity: 76%
Wind: light
BPM: 170
Weight: 1706. pounds
Total distance to date: 4830 km
Devices: Apple Watch Series 5, iPhone 8
Shoes: Saucony Switchback ISO (190 km)

After messing around on the treadmill for a few weeks, I could not deny that today the weather was perfectly fine for running outside. I did deny it, a little, and as a result got a late start, not beginning until almost 3 p.m. Because of this, I opted to run at the river, rather than the lake, but compensated a little by walking to the far end of the trail before starting.

Conditions were actually pretty similar to the last run back in November, with little wind and partly sunny skies. I made no plans to push, I just wanted to complete 5K without any embarrassing pratfalls. Or falls.

And I did! Perhaps the workouts on the treadmill have made a difference (though the river vs. lake is generally a faster, easier run), but I lopped an entire 17 minutes from my previous pace, coming in at an average of 5:45/km. I experienced no cramps or other issues, just a general sense of still not being in great shape. But it was okay.

Being outside reminded me of how different it is than the treadmill. It’s cold. You have wind resistance. Did I mention it’s cold? You never know what that giant unleashed dog is going to do. The river trail kind of stinks a little. But when it isn’t stinky, it’s nice to run on a course that actually has turns, to feel that breeze, even if it freezes your cheeks, to see other people, even if they have giant unleashed dogs.

And I was pleasantly surprised by the pace, though the BPM is right on the edge of what I’m comfortable with.

In all, though, a nice return to the great urban outdoors.

On the first day of winter…

I forgot to post.

Yesterday was the first day of winter, the shortest day of the year, and thus my dread enemy. Today, the sun will set very slightly later and before you know it, summer will be here.

The day itself was pretty typical of winters here…damp, cool, but not frozen. And I saw a 10 p.m. showing of Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker, which I will expand upon in another post.

As for the now-completed Fall 2019, it was…okay. Some thing improved, some stayed the same, some got worse. I will focus on the positive:

  • I managed to put the brakes on my annual fall weight gain. It’s holding steady and before the end of the month I hope to start sending it downward.
  • Related to the above, I continue to use the new treadmill regularly
  • I did Inktober! 31 drawings, yay! I’ve only done one since, true, but still…
  • I made the right call to skip National Novel Writing Month. I am not ready…yet.
  • I got my ears cleaned, my eyes checked and thought about stretching. Soon I’ll actually stretch.
  • And some other stuff I can’t remember

Tech quote of the day, December 20, 2019

This is from The Verge’s article The 84 biggest flops, fails, and dead dreams of the decade in tech, in reference to the Microsoft Band:

Microsoft’s first attempt at wearable hardware looked more like a prison experiment.

Which is pretty much a perfect summation of how the device looked. Too bad Microsoft never kept developing it, because I think, like the Surface line, they would probably have nailed it after a few iterations and the thing was loaded with sensors. Alas.

Treadmill walk: And I would walk 5000 meters

Today while waiting for a Telus tech to arrive and install a fibre connection, I killed some time by doing a walk on ye olde treadmill. I sweated like the proverbial pig (do pigs actually sweat a lot?), so a top priority now is getting a fan mounted to help keep my cool ‘n dry.

I put on The Proclaimers’ Sunshine on Leith, which remains a gem of a pop album and is great for working out to and also, just, you know, listening to. It was also long enough to meet my criteria of exercising for either 50 minutes or 5 km, whichever came first.

As it turned out, I hit the 5K mark before 50 minutes, making it the first time I’ve done so on the treadmill. I then kept up for another minute or so to get the 50 minutes, too. I’m really into fives, apparently.

This time I put the towel in a place where it wouldn’t slip away after the first few minutes, and this was good due to the aforementioned buckets of sweat.

Other than that, it was a good workout. I let the music and my thoughts absorb me, so the 50 minutes went by quickly. My pace was eight seconds faster and BPM was a little lower, so pretty good overall.

Stats:

Speed: 6 km/h
Incline: 10

Pace: 9:51/km
Time: 50:05
Distance: 5.08 km
Calories burned: 533
BPM: 144