Photo of the Day, April 8, 2019

This is cheating a bit because it’s not a photo, exactly, it’s a cropped screenshot from the iOS Google app showing a card for a news story with perhaps the best headline ever.

When the entire animal kingdom hates you.

What’s the deal with Goldfish crackers?

There’s an entire section of the food industry devoted to Goldfish crackers. They come in a variety of sizes and flavors, but all of them are shaped like goldfish and usually orange-colored. For obvious reasons, they have chosen not to emulate the look of a black moor, since a black cracker would be kind of gross-looking (they do come in brown, though).

I’m guessing–because I’m too lazy to search the internet right now–that someone thought it would be cute to make little orange crackers shaped like fish, but not tasting like fish, as that would also be gross, like black crackers.

But who wants to eat a cracker shaped like a fish? It’s not like it’s a great association. Fish are stinky and slimy, crackers are crunchy and yummy. Fish can be yummy, too, but science has yet to transfer that into cracker form (or maybe it has. Like I said, I’m too lazy to check).

Now, Goldfish crackers are indeed yummy. I can open a bag and my hand assumes an automatic motion where it grabs crackers from the bag, shoves them into my mouth, then continues until the bag is empty or I exercise the barest smidgen of self-control and place the bag on the top of a difficult-to-reach shelf. Still, Goldfish crackers do not taste like goldfish, so the whole concept is wrong. It’s like making crackers shaped like worms. No one wants to eat worms, not even cracker worms. Okay, someone out there probably does, but there’s no way they’re getting them (unless they already exist).

Anyway, now I want some Goldfish crackers, so I guess you win this round, Goldfish crackers!

Grapefruit: Why bother?

I remember eating grapefruit as a kid (not at the same time as corn dogs) and it always involved two things:

  • that weird triangle-shaped spoon you used to cut into the grapefruit flesh:
  • lots of sugar

Adding sugar to a grapefruit basically turned it into sour, sugary candy fruit. There’s some nutritional value buried under all that sugar, but really, why not just eat something not incredibly sour-tasting that you won’t drown in sugar? And every kid I knew did this–and every parent let them. The Sugar Days, as we called ’em.

We were kind of dumb in the old days. Do people still eat sugar-encrusted grapefruit now? My hunch says…yes. Maybe they use Splenda instead, though. “Just one drop, Jimmy, that’s all you need. Jimmy, don’t squirt the bottle on it!”

Corn dogs: Why?

I can’t remember the last time I had a corn dog. It was probably at a fair when I was in my teens, so about three hundred years ago. But when I think about them, they just seem weird. You take a wiener and coat it in a thick layer of fried cornmeal. It’s just an odd thing to decide to turn into a dish. I can’t even remember if I liked them. I kind of want to try one again but there’s no easy way other than buying an entire box of them in the grocer freezer. Then I’d have to figure out what to do with the rest of them. Donate them to orphans? Turn them into fertilizer? Science experiments?

But maybe this is a case where it’s better to let sleeping (corn) dogs lie.

Also, I categorized this post under Health, though I’m not entirely sure it qualifies.