random thoughts

My beard is like a horror movie

I shaved this morning the same way I always do–I used the electric razor on my face and neck, then used a trimmer for my Van Dyke. It’s properly known as a circle beard but no one seems to know what a circle beard is.

Anyway, the beard itself is more a vestige at this point, as I don’t use a guard on the trimmer, insuring the facial hair is there but in a minimalist sort of way.

Tonight I noticed the fuzz on my chin and upper lip was more pronounced than one would expect after a little over 14 hours of growth. I clearly remember trimming it this morning and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been struck by lightning since then and acquired the power of super fast hair growth as a result (though a little more on the top would be nice).

Instead I’m left to ponder how my facial hair has become the folical version of Michael Meyers, coming back stronger and more resilient no matter how often I whack it down.

I’m going to take pictures of this to prove it’s not just me being weird. Well, weirder.

Swimming poo(l)

Today I found out what happens when poo (officially “fecal matter”) is found in a public swimming pool.

They close the pool.

This makes sense, of course. Who wants to swim with poo? After the poo is fished out, the staff must conduct a sweep of the pool using their poo-meters or whatnot to make sure the water is fit for swimming. Thid can take awhile as public pools tend to be large.

This happened at the Canada Games Pool, and while it didn’t inconvenience me–I was there to use an elliptical trainer–the closure of both the main pool and the large kids pool meant that anyone who wanted to get wet had to:

  • use the swirl pool, which is not really the same thing
  • sit in the sauna and sweat profusely, which is definitely not the same thing
  • make do in the very small kiddie pool, which is really just a shallow wading pool

The swirl pool and kiddie pool were both more crowded than I’ve ever seen them. I felt bad for everyone. And sweaty. Because of the elliptical.

I started thinking about why or how someone would poo in a public pool and then stopped. I think I made the right choice.

In their pocket

I got an email yesterday from Pocket, the service that lets you save stories on the web to read later (various browsers and other apps do the same thing but I glommed onto Pocket, in part because it was bought by Mozilla and integrated directly into Firefox).

Email from Pocket is not unusual–I get several per week with recommended and sponsored stories. This one was different, though (and yes, it included the little rocket because that’s become a strange and slightly annoying trend in email subject lines over the past few years):

? Stan, you made the Top 5% of readers in Pocket this year!

It goes on to elaborate a little:

You’re a top reader in Pocket for 2017, and you should be proud! Not only did you make it into the top 5%, you’ve also exercised your brain and undoubtedly learned a ton in the process.

I just find this weird. There are about five hundred billion people on the internet, so how did I manage to get in the top 5% of Pocket users? My first thought is that Pocket is drastically unpopular and any moderate use by anyone would put them in the top 5%. This is also my second and third thought because all other possibilities seem so much less likely. But perhaps most people only use Pocket occasionally because they read a story right when they find it, rather than holding off until later. Maybe we live in a culture of instant rather than delayed gratification and I’m an outlier.

Maybe this would all change if Pocket featured Facebook integration (I would then hate it forever and plunge into the bottom 5%).

Anyway, I suppose it’s nice but mostly still weird that I’m in the top 5% of anything on the internet. Go me!

Testing the axiom “An artist must suffer for his art”

My personal life has undergone a seismic shift as of last night. Since this is a blog and not Dear Diary I’ll say no more, but if an artist must suffer for his art and I keep writing or doodling or throwing pots or engaging in some sort of creative endeavor, I will soon be producing work that’ll look touched by genius.

Just sayin’.

Let’s start with a haiku.

I did a bad thing
The consequences are due
I am a dumb guy

The genius part may build slowly over time…

Siri loses her mind (all the time)

One day I’ll write up a full review of my Series 2 Apple Watch (which I am generally pretty happy with) but something that has always bugged me is that Siri is only available when you have an internet connection, even for things that should easily work without a connection like “Hey Siri, start a 5-minute timer” or “Hey Siri, shuffle my music.”

Siri also has a tough time parsing certain (seemingly random) things. I will never get Siri to play The Alan Parsons Project’s album Pyramid because Siri is incapable of understanding the word “pyramid”:

“Hey Siri, play the album Pyramid.”
I’m sorry, I can’t find the album Pure Mind

“Hey Siri, play the album Pyramid.” (Being very careful to pronounce the word clearly and concisely.)
I’m sorry, I can’t find the album Pier Mind

“Hey Siri, play the third Alan Parsons Project album.”
begins playing random track from The Turn of a Friendly Card, the fourth APP album

Best of all, even when I issue a command (usually related to playing music, like the aforementioned “Hey Siri, shuffle my music”) the watch will insist something went wrong with Siri…shortly after executing the command correctly:

I mean, as long as it works I don’t mind, but it’s a bit unsettling.

At least I’m totally set if I ever get an album called Pier Mind.

If I do this…

If I wear my over-ear headphones and then rub a finger on my upper-lip stubble (it’s not quite grand enough to really call a mustache) the sound is strangely reminiscent of sawing wood.

This has been my random thought of the day.

Also, I dreamed the other night that a taxi driver or bus driver said dividing something up fairly would be “fifty, fifty, fifty” and I frantically tried to find some way to permanently record this wisdom for all time. In reality I have an app called Drafts that I can summon on my Apple Watch and with a tap of the mic icon, I tell it what I want to record and it’s done. It’s simple yet always strikes me as such a spiffy, hi-tech way to record random thoughts and ideas.

In the dream I couldn’t get the app to work. I’m not sure why. The watch probably adopted spontaneous non-Euclidean geometry that made it impossible to operate.

This has been my second random thought of the day. About random thoughts.

Another month, another flurry of last-day posts

I’ve done it again.

I started out in early June staying close to one-post-per-day on this here blog, then it went off the rails and on this last day of the month I found myself eight posts short of my desired goal.

It’s been difficult, but I’ve avoided making eight posts of animated cat gifs today. I’ve only made one.

This is post #29 so I have one more to go after this.

Have a random thought:

What is it that makes so many people unaware of the space around them when they are out in public? I don’t really know, but I lean toward thinking it’s something unique to large urban areas. As more of the world fits into that category it’s probably going to get that much worse.

And that’s not even counting the smartphone zombies.

It bugs me that so many people don’t pay attention. It seems lazy and selfish. But what can I do, other than to complain in vain? I suppose I could wear a giant mechanical suit and just fling people out of my way. That seems a bit harsh, though. And expensive.

No, complaining it is.

March 2017 in review: A mixed bag

March started out kind of sucky, with more of the seemingly endless snow piling up. It shouldn’t snow in March except maybe at the polar ice caps. March also ended kind of sucky, with the discovery of a lump down around my private parts. Even if it turns out to be something harmless (benign, to use the official parlance) it’s still going to require a little chop-chop to remove. At least with the snow, you only have to wait it out before it finally goes away.

In between the start and end of the month, work was extremely busy, but I helped successfully push out a major new initiative, so that was good.

I began to run again outside. I’m still not running regularly, but I’ve at least started. This is goodish.

The weight loss thing–well, I did have two donuts this month. *hangs head in shame* It could have been a lot worse, though.

The weekly write-ins have been a real boon to my writing. But I’m still not writing much outside of them–yet.

And finally, back to the weather: despite a whole lotta rain, temperatures are finally and reliably back in the double digits again. Yay.

I give March 2017 a rating of 6/10. Some bad stuff, but slightly outweighed by the good.

Now I must concentrate on resisting all the Easter candy out there on sale.

It is the days of blah

I have been tired and kind of out of steam this week creatively, though I’ve managed a few trifling bits.

This post is essentially padding the monthly total of the blog because I have nothing to say but here are words to fill the void.

Also, since I haven’t written one in a while, a haiku:

The days of blah come
Inspiration eludes me
Fudge sticks and crackers

Now I’m hungry.

Sarcasm

From Merriam-Webster, the definition of sarcasm:

Definition of sarcasm

  1. a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

  2. a) a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
    b) the use or language of sarcasm

When I was younger I employed sarcasm so regularly it was entitled to full benefits and vacation pay. Thinking it over, I haven’t really reduced my usage of sarcasm, I just have fewer opportunities to wield it. For example, I’m wise enough to know that sarcasm is often not the best tactic in the workplace (co-workers do not seem to share this trepidation based on the regular barbs that go a-flying).

Looking at that first definition, though? Designed to cut or give pain? Ouch. Literally. When I employ sarcasm, it’s certainly meant for effect, chiefly to skewer the target of said sarcasm. In that sense, it can be said to be intended to cut. Give pain? Not so much. I’m not a sadist, not even a linguistic one. When I use words as weapons I’m more like a mug swinging a club I can only manage to lift, rather than a skilled fencer darting to and fro, stabbing at will.

The second definition, though, that’s entirely me. When I prick a finger and draw blood I’m fairly certain a little sarcasm leaks out. I don’t always target individuals, though, preferring to broaden my targets to entire institutions or groups.

What brought on this bit of self-reflection was a perusal of some of the posts on this blog, specifically my writing prompts (the ones I create, not the ones I tackle) and how they are uniformly sarcastic. Why is that? Am I secretly afraid of producing mediocre prompts and so write ones that aren’t intended to be taken seriously? Is it a reaction to so many writing prompt collections being silly while trying to be serious? More the latter, I think.

Coming up with a few decent prompts is pretty easy. Coming up with a dozen? Trickier. Coming up with hundreds, especially hundreds that aren’t spewed out by an automated process? It is difficult, so bless those brave souls that try, even as I mock their efforts. I don’t mean to be cruel and fully open myself to similar mockery with the hundreds of nonsensical posts I’ve written here.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I blame my head cold and the obligation to write. I’d rather be sleeping and don’t look forward to staggering into work tomorrow, still feeling unwell and having to battle stuffed-up sinuses, caustic co-workers, and other stuff, all of which could be solved through the simple expediency of winning the lottery.

Time for bed and NyQuil-fueled dreams. The best dreams.

Random thoughts for February 27, 2017

  • it snowed today. Boo. But by afternoon it was sunny and the snow was gone. Yay.
  • I had a terrible headache last night in bed (no, a real headache). Boo. I took Advil and it actually worked. Yay.
  • I continue to acquire more old music than new, though I’m at least grabbing albums I didn’t own back in the 80s and 90s. Recent purchases range from au fromage to well-regarded classics:
    • Billy Joel, The Bridge – the beginning of the slide down for Joel creatively, though not his nadir
    • Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Welcome to the Pleasuredome – cheesy, with weird wide-ranging covers but there’s no denying the irresistible pulse of “Relax” and Holly Johnson lifts every song with his enthusiastic vocals
    • Crowded House (debut) – pretty pop with just enough smarts to make it more than just pretty pop
    • Neil Young, Harvest Moon – a gentle, sweet album
  • I tried and failed to think of any frog-related puns today (there was a reason for this–the puns, not the failure, which was simply lack of imagination on my part)
  • The Tim Hortons “Roll up to win” contest is on and I’ve won four times. I gave away my two donut wins but kept the coffees (which I will use for tea)
  • less than two weeks until Daylight Saving Time returns. Yay.
  • my weight loss for the month will probably be minimal at best and negative at worst. Whoops. But my body fat percentage is down. Yay.
  • I’m still a bit sore from my outdoor run two days ago. This is mildly embarrassing.

Random thoughts for December 9th

  • It’s been snowing most of the day and into the evening. This is the most snow we’ve had since the Great Snow of 2008. I expect it to end in giant lakes of slush, as is the tradition of big Vancouver snowfalls.
  • After a week of near or just-below freezing temperatures it’s finally starting to get a little cool in the condo. Without turning the heat on it plunges down to…22ºC.
  • I like tacos.
  • I missed my second drawing for December. I should probably have picked a day to do them (eg. every Monday) instead of a date (eg. the first day of the month, then one week later, then another week later, etc.). I’ll draw something on the weekend. A blizzard, maybe.
  • I’m seriously thinking about buying an electric razor because I’ve come to loathe using a razor blade and shaving cream. I want to shave and go as quickly as possible so I have more time to write lists of random thoughts.
  • I completed my Goodreads Book Challenge for 2016, reading 32 of 32 books. I’ve since read #33 and am working on #34 now. This is the one perk of a long commute.
  • Why does the SkyTrain run slow in the snow when there is no actual snow on the rails?
  • The Goretex jacket is paying off.
  • Next week I start on the road back to 150 again after a month and a half of backsliding due to a) usual level of snacking combined with b) no lunchtime walks c) lunch and d) a lot less running.
  • The sun set at 4:13 p.m. today. I hate winter.