About that March haiku where snow was forbidden…

It is snowing as I type this. I am disappointed my haiku did not have the power to control the weather.

As I have become tremendously soft and flabby over the winter I decided today to go for a walk rather than watch my expanded belly bounce as I attempted to jog. But it would be a long and brisk exercise-style walk, designed to improve my stamina and burn a calorie or two in preparation for the resumption of The Runs (not to be confused with diarrhea).

I headed out on my usual run route and shortly after stepping outside the first tentative flakes began to fell, mocking my decision to experience the outdoors. It was still well above freezing and the snow was curiously hard and bouncy, resembling small white rocks. I’m sure there’s a technical term for this. Rock snow. Or maybe it was just hail.

It relented and for awhile I forgot about it and focused on the walk around the lake. When I arrived at Caribou Dam I discovered a large section of the path, stretching from the dam to Silver Creek, had been cordoned off. It turned out the Beaver Rampage of 2014 had resulted in a copious amount of coal spilling and collecting in Silver Creek and the part of Burnaby Lake it feeds into. CN is tasked with cleaning it up before it kills all the fish, birds and turtles. They probably don’t mind if it kills the beavers.

Here is one of the nice signs explaining how the turtles will not be killed but a trout or two may choke on a lump of coal further downstream:

Coal Lake, March 1 2014

The only other thing of note on the trail were a few lingering patches of snow that were mushy or easy to avoid. There were plenty of joggers, some walkers and, of course, plenty of people with off-leash dogs because dogs must be free. Free to chase, jump, knock down, bite and maul.

I finished the 17 km or so at my usual pace of 6+ km/hr and unlike previous loner walks I escaped with nary a blister on my feet. Woot.

Not a sex ad

Admit it, you see the same thing I do when you look at this EVGA ad:

(Hadrons are subatomic particles)
(I’m not going to define the other word you and I may have seen at first glance)

March shmarch

Obligatory post on the first day of the month.

Environment Canada is reporting that March will likely be cooler than normal for most areas of the country. We have the possibility of snow in the forecast again.

However, things are looking up on several other fronts, so I am cautiously optimistic than this month will be better than the cruel mistress that was February.

I will start the month with a semi-hopeful haiku:

March enters the scene
Spring is close enough to see
Snow is forbidden

My thoughts on the Internet from March 6, 1996 (warning: kind of dumb)

Personal journals are always an embarrassment of riches. No, that’s not quite right.

Richly embarrassing. Yes, that’s it.

As I’ve mentioned previously I kept a journal for a short time in 1996 (age: 32) and on March 6 I had this to say about the Internet:

Meanwhile, I’ve got a two month trial membership on Mindlink and I’m trying this whole Internet thing out. While it’s great for e-mail, the World Wide Web (WWW) is, as an information source, kind of like leafing through a magazine which has pages that can only be turned every five minutes. In a word, slow. I’ve already found files on the Web and then switched to Mindlink’s BBS to download the file in half the time it would take to get piped through the Byzantine host of servers on the Internet. Although it is immensely popular and overhyped (see Time Capsule Note, above), I think the WWW is something that will truly be practical and convenient at about the same time video phones are practical and convenient. When hell freezes over, you say? No, but give it another five or ten years (remember, the video phone is one of those ideas that was thought up decades ago that still has not moved one inch closer to being an everyday thing. This, in comparison to other devices that have become common sights in this end-of-century world we live in: baby machines, personal heli-cars and robot servants to clean up after us.

Yes, I called it “the WWW” and predicted it would be practical in 5-10 years instead of realizing I just had a crappy ISP and a dial-up connection to match. Two years after this was written I got my first cable modem and learned that the Internet actually stayed on all the time!

While we still don’t have baby machines, you have to admit that personal heli-cars would be a terrible idea. Look at how poorly people drive in two dimensions, never mind adding a third. And we do have robot servants now if you count the Roomba.  We just needs dozens of other special purpose robots now that vacuuming has been automated.

In conclusion, my ability to predict the future, especially when it comes to technology, is pretty spotty.

I was right about the 8-track tape being a dead format, though.

Fit to be weighed a bit

I made a New Years resolution to stuff donuts into my face.

Actually, it was to get back to my usual running weight of around 150 pounds but given the results so far it may as well have been the former.

I told myself, “Self, losing weight is simple, you just need to stop putting so much food in your mouth, particularly between-meal snacks that are usually fatty, sugary or deliciously both.”

I hit 175 pounds today, a mere 12 pounds shy of my porcine state in June 2008. It’s time for me to put the brakes on the runaway cookie train.

To that end I have turned, as I am wont to do, to technology.

I purchased two items from Fitbit: an Aria scale and a Fitbit One.

The scale is pretty straightforward. The fancier parts are it measures body fat and syncs the depressing results via wifi to the web app, your smartphone or whatever other device you have set up to remind yourself that you should stop eating so many brownies. My weight is up slightly since I started tracking. I have reasons to have indulged a bit lately but that ends tomorrow (Wednesday).

The other device is the One, not to be confused with the Jackie Chan movie. This is a fancy pedometer thingie that tracks your steps, calories burned, the time and your sleep activity. The latter is kind of weird to look at because it feels a little like Big Brother is watching you, just in the form of a cute little electronic device.

You can set goals or just go with the defaults and let the badges roll in at pre-set milestones. It erroneously started me off with the “Hooray you lost five pounds!” badge, something I am concerned I won’t see again anytime soon.

But tomorrow is another day and it shall be a day without donuts.

Cost of renting Close Encounters of the Third Kind: $97.96

A short time ago I lamented that in the bounty of our digital age where there’s no need to keep pesky physical inventory sitting on store shelves or in a dusty warehouse I could not find anywhere online to rent Close Encounters of the Third Kind and the only place selling it was iTunes for $17.99. At that price you’d think it was an ebook, ho ho.

In the end I found a Blu-ray version for purchase at Best Buy for a mere $9.99, not much more than a rental.

I just needed a Blu-ray player, an HDMI cable and an HDTV to watch it. Luckily I already had the TV.

The rest, once taxes and the you’re-killing-the-earth fees were added brought the total to $97.96. A little more than a rental.

But it looked very nice and the Sony Blu-ray player adds to the growing list of devices we can use to watch Netflix on. I’d make a joke about how you’ll be able to watch Netflix on your toaster soon except some company is probably prototyping that as I write this.

Oh, and the movie holds up nicely, too. I’ll write more on it later but I love the way Spielberg portrays kids as insane, monsters or insane monsters.

The ties, though. You could have picnics on those things.

Book review + Twitter generation = bubble wrap

Here is a review of a hardcover book from a user on amazon.com:

The cover is pretty scratched up and it was late arriving. However, the packaging was geat, lots of bubble wrap to keep it safe.

I think “geat” might be Scottish for “pretty all right”. I shouldn’t blame Twitter and its billions of users for this sort of review as it could have just as easily appeared forty years ago as today. I’m also not sure if this is a troll or something from a very literal-minded person, but I kind of like that this is a succinct review of the actual physical object and not the words contained within.

And hey, if you need lots of bubble wrap, this could be the perfect gift for you or someone you love.

Damn snow, Early 2014 Edition

The visions of spring dancing in my head were abruptly ended when it began to snow on Saturday morning.

Come Monday night and it was still snowing. Despite this we are not up to our armpits in the white stuff because it’s been a heavy, wet kind of snow that packs down nicely, forming slick injury-making sheets of compacted slush.

Today the sun came out and it’s warming up, causing a gradual and pleasant melt. I trust this will be the last of the snow this winter. THANK YOU, MOTHER NATURE. MOVE ALONG PLEASE.

I’m now ready for summer. Only four months until the community pool at Hume Park opens. I hate swimming but it’s one of the official markers that you can doff the parkas and don the Bermudas.

10 Pairs of Shorts: Update #2 for 2014

It’s time for another update on my short story collection 10 Pairs of Shorts.

This thing is taking a lot longer to assemble than expected. I wish I had a sassy writing robot to help me. Or a million dollars. Both would be neat.

As of today I have these stories more or less ready to go:

  • Cervidae
  • Learning to Die
  • The Cobalt Sensation
  • The Chicago 8 vs. Armageddon
  • The Chicago 8 vs. Time
  • Slice of Life
  • The Lunch Gnome
  • The Sometimes Island

Even if I add another to the list at the rate of one per week that still means the collection won’t be fully assembled until around May. Not that it’s a race. But like Kirk to Khan, it tasks me.

I’ll pick the next story for revision tomorrow and hopefully find it perfect as written.

The cowardly keyboard

I have a thing for keyboards.

When mechanical keyboards came back in vogue I started buying them, trying to find one that felt just right.

My first was a CoolerMaster Storm Trigger with blue switch keys.

CM Storm Trigger

It’s a fine keyboard in many ways and I like the solid clacky feel of the keys. When I resist pounding on the keys like a deranged ape they aren’t even that loud, really, because they actuate before being fully engaged.

However, there were some things I didn’t like:

  • the Windows key doesn’t work by default. You have to enable it in a profile. This is because it’s a GAMERZ keyboard and gamerz don’t need Windows.
  • it’s extra wide due to the macro keys,. I have never used macro keys on a keyboard.
  • the red LED lighting is distracting. When it’s off the keys are hard to read.

So I searched on and got a Metadot Das Keyboard, also using blue switches.

Das Keyboard Professional

No backlit keys and a standard keyboard layout, no funny macro stuff. It would seem ideal, except for one thing.

The keyboard casing is glossy and the keys are as well, to a lesser extent. They reflect light and my computer corner cubbyhole has a light that sits nearly directly above the keyboard, so this becomes a problem.

Onto keyboard #3: The Filco Majestouch 2. This one has brown switches, which are less clacky.

Filco Majestouch Keyboard

 

(The lovely green border came as part of the stock photo.)

On balance I don’t mind the brown switches but if push came to shove I think I find the blue switches a little smoother in feel. The lack of a numeric keypad was a bit disconcerting at first but I realized I never used it much and the narrower width of the keyboard more than makes up for it. The finish on the keyboard is nicely matte so the keys are easily readable. I think if this keyboard had blue switches it might cause me to end my search.

But it doesn’t.

But Filco makes a model that does! Now I just have to find a retailer.

Also, their website is a charming pastiche of quaintly clumsy English and images like this:

I conclude with this video of the Ducky Shine 3 Yellow keyboard. This is a keyboard with backlit keys. And the keys are blank.

Funny hats and cats

There are some things you can search for using Google and pretty much guarantee the results will not disappoint. One is “funny hats”. Observe:

I especially like the use of the drawstrings as legs.

The alt-text on this one would have to be “butt head”.

These are two examples. There are millions more. I am not kidding. The phrase “funny hats” yields over 450 million results. I don’t know what this means about our world but it simultaneously delights and depresses me.

And then there is perhaps the most-searched term on Google: cats (551 million results).

But cats alone, while adorable, is a bit plain for a search. “Funny cats” on the other hand yields 378 million hits, including these:

Funny cats 1

Note that nearly every image of a cat with a caption is incredibly unfunny, almost as if by design. This is about 377,999,950 of the images by my rough estimate.

Again, I’m not sure what the takeaway is here. We have a treasure trove of material on the web and the means to find virtually all of it instantly and vast amounts of this material and related searches consists of things like funny hats and cats.

In conclusion, I leave you with this, a cat wearing a funny hat:

funny-cat-pictures-022-033-400

The hat’s not really that funny but cats apparently do not take to goofy headgear the same way people do. Probably because of all the clawing and biting.

Book review: Area 51 – An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base

Area 51 – An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base is without a doubt the longest title of any book I’ve read in the last five years.

This 2011 title is also a thorough and engrossing recounting of the military base dating back to the 1940s, using both declassified documents and interviews from the men who worked there, some now in their 90s, to paint a still-incomplete picture of what happened–and still happens–there.

Author Annie Jacobsen does a stellar job with this, following a mainly chronological progression through Area 51’s history, venturing off to related matters when relevant and covering the politics that always served as the backdrop, from the end of World War II through the Cold War and on to the present-day where unmanned drones do the surveillance and unleash rocket-propelled judgment in one deadly (and expensive) package.

Area 51’s most infamous connection is to the 1947 crash of a flying disc near Roswell, New Mexico. Jacobsen addresses this and it forms one of the lingering puzzles of the base. More on that later.

The main focus is on the secret testing done mainly by the CIA, the U.S. Air Force and the Atomic Energy Commission (renamed several times, presently the Department of Energy). The first two conducted extensive tests on stealth planes, starting with the U-2 and the A12 “Oxcart”, jets designed to fly at unheard of heights–as much as 90,000 feet–and faster than any other aircraft, with speeds reaching up to mach 3. The first striking part about these tests is how relatively ineffective the stealth part was, even after many years of development and billions of dollars spent. Both jets were regularly spotted and sometimes shot down, though the data they provided was invaluable to the U.S.  It wasn’t until the 1980s that stealth technology really advanced with the F117a.

The second and more grimly striking part of the testing were the astonishing number of crashes and fatalities, with more than one pilot dying due to malfunctioning equipment while ejecting.

While the CIA and Air Force built planes in secret, the Atomic Energy Commission was testing atomic bombs–lots of atomic bombs, with yields many times greater than those dropped on Japan. I found myself repeatedly shaking my head over how utterly reckless these tests were. A dirty bomb simulation exploded radioactive material mere miles from Area 51, with no protection offered to anyone working there. The debris was never even cleaned up, just cordoned off with signs and fencing. One atomic bomb was exploded directly in the ozone layer, even though the scientists conducting the test had no idea what might happen.

Today a large swath of the Nevada desert looks like a moonscape, the ground dotted with dozens of craters from dozens of bomb tests. It’s a wonder the state doesn’t glow at night.

And what of Roswell? Jacobsen doesn’t spend much time on it but does drop a few interesting and somewhat conflicting accounts from those who worked there. Some insist they saw craft and bodies that were unmistakably alien. But Jacobsen puts forward a more prosaic view, that the flying disc was a craft designed in Stalin’s Soviet Union sent to the U.S. to frighten or warn the U.S. government. The aliens? Genetically or surgically modified children made to look like aliens, to scare everyone or something. The unusual flight characteristics of the disc–its ability to hover in defiance of gravity, to move rapidly and silently–are never explained. Nor is it explained that if this was Soviet technology why it was never seen nor heard from again, nor why any other country has ever developed anything like it. If one were paranoid, one might think there was some kind of cover-up going on.

The lingering impression that Area 51 leaves me with is one of discomfort. A lot of dangerous testing and experimentation has taken place there and much of it remains classified, with even the U.S. President often declared not having a “need to know”. This kind of ultra-secrecy, where projects are “born classified” is not healthy for a democratic society nor for the world in general. Edward Snowden may have famously blown the lid off the NSA last year but what went on and still goes on at Area 51 (still never officially acknowledged as existing) is more insidious and dangerous.

Jacobsen concludes with a chilling interview with an unidentified engineer who hints broadly at a huge number of horrifying experiments on humans (think Nazis in WWII) conducted at Area 51 and elsewhere in the U.S. that went on at least through the 1980s and could still be happening today.

Area 51 is a comprehensive and meticulously researched look at the world’s most infamous military base. It neatly captures everything from the camaraderie of test pilots flying experimental craft that guaranteed no safe landings to the blatant disregard for safety in the hundreds of nuclear weapons tests. Highly recommended.