mental health

Have I lost my blogging mojo?

Yes, I have.

I am not sure why. Last year I was fairly regularly averaging two posts per day, but this year I’ve sometimes struggled just to get an average of one per day, or to just post at all on some days.

I wonder what has changed, but have no real answers. I don’t think it’s anything like “long covid” or associated brain fog, because it would have kicked in sooner, I think. Or maybe not.

I can explain the lack of a post for yesterday, though: I am experiencing either a nasty seasonal allergy reaction, or have some kind of cold (I lean toward allergies, given the symptoms, time of year and the fact that my partner, who typically brings germs home from the university, remains healthy). I have taken allergy relief pills to help reduce symptoms and as I type this, I feel better than when I first got up. But that only explains yesterday.

Maybe I am seeing the world slightly differently now. The last year has kind of soured me on people in general, and institutions and, well, a lot of things. I seek solace in simple things now. I long to be in places that are quiet, where I can be alone, and not hear the drone of cars, or the chatter of others. I am worn down by the ever-present displays of selfishness and stupidity. It feels like it is all around me.

Whoa, this is deep ‘n depressing. Normally I would end a post like this in a somewhat glib manner, by posting an animated GIF of a cat being silly.

And you know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do! With one of the classics.

Also, it’s sunny today, which is nice and something of a change for this soggy, damp spring of ours. The weather might be a factor, too.

Anyway, cat:

Funkytown

I think I am in a funk. Why do I think this? A list, because, as always, I like lists:

  • I have been blogging a lot less lately, sometimes skipping multiple days
  • I have been playing PWS1PowerWash Simulator, my go-to de-stress game, to the point where I have worn out its pixels
  • I have the urge to draw, but do not draw
  • I have the urge to write, but do not write
  • My sleep quality has taken a dive in the last week or so
  • I had a few days with an unsourced headache just because (it’s gone now)
  • I haven’t been running in 11 days, sometimes for legit reasons, sometimes because I just didn’t want to go (note that I always feel better after running. The only time this doesn’t happen is if something goes horribly wrong on the run, like I have a close encounter with a tree root or something).

I think the cure is to just make myself do things, and I’ll naturally pull out of the funk. Why is the funk happening?

As always, it’s complicated. There are things happening. I think I am experiencing a certain sense of hopelessness in getting things–even small things2I like the word “things”–to change for the better. I don’t have much faith in people anymore. I guess that’s a big one. I don’t know that it will ever change.

But I muddle on.

Let’s see if I have a run update as my next post!

I started a diary

Last month I decided to start keeping a diary, or journal, if you prefer. I’m using the Diarium app, mainly because it is cross-platform and can sync across OneDrive, so I can pour out my soul from any convenient device! I could have used an actual paper version, but paper is for the Amish. I’m all about the tech, baby.

I still think Diarium sounds way too close to diarrhea, but the best name, Day One, was already taken.

So far I have managed to write something every day for the past 21 days (including today), which technically means I’ve made it a habit. Go me. Most of it has been nonsense and I’m still trying to figure out what to put there vs. what to put here, on the blog.

I’m also thinking of changing the blog in some big ways. See below!

Possible Big Ideas for This Blog:

  • A new name and URL. No more creolened.com, since what does it even mean, anyway?
  • Splitting off the run/fitness stuff because, really, no one else should or would care about this. This might be more useful in the actual diary, perhaps as dedicated entries.
  • And so forth.

Anyway, I’ll follow up on the diary stuff soonish. I may even switch to a different app (Journey, Obsidian, etc.), who knows? I am unpredictable as all get out.

February shmebruary

This month started out with a fizzle, but is ending on a mostly better note, or series of notes:

  • My weight is down. Yay.
  • I am exercising again. Also yay.
  • I think I’m sleeping better in general.
  • My writing is…well, more on that below.
  • Work is [redacted]

On the poop side of things, my writing has gained no traction at all, whether it be fiction or this blog. I fell way behind on my usual one-post-per-day average, just as I did last month, and despite a few posts today, I will still come up short, unless I post ten haikus or something. I’m pretty sure I won’t do that.

I have also fallen behind on my modest reading goal this year. To meet it, I need to read a book every two weeks. To date I have read three this year, so I’m one behind. This is due to a combination of wanting to veg out during my commute and often not getting a seat because the [redacted for adult language] SkyTrain car will be standing room only at 6:30 in the [redacted] morning. It’s insane. I get on at the fourth stop on the Expo line. After my stop, Sapperton, there are 16 more. I’m pretty sure it’s SRO by the second station, Lougheed. It’s silly. Does everyone work in downtown Vancouver? Yes. Yes, they do.

For the writing, I’m not sure what to say. I think about it, sometimes I start, but nothing much happens. The latest book on writing (I’ve read oodles of them now) has the author assert there is no such thing as writer’s block and technically that’s true. Unless you are in a coma or otherwise physically incapable, you can always write if you have some time. So it’s not that I can’t write, I just don’t. And I’m not entirely sure why, because I’ve read some of my stuff recently and while I’m not trying to toot my horn (heh heh), I quite like some of it and think I should write more.

And maybe I will. Soon. I do actually have some additional thoughts on this and will spill them out of my head in another post.

(I’m not talking about work on a public blog. You’ll need the key to my heart diary to find out more about that.)