As happens from time to time, I was thinking. In this instance I was thinking about how I used to have a bicycle and in a small way I yearn to have one again.
On the plus side, a bike lets you get exercise without beating up your shins and feet like running does.
On the negative side, bikes require a lot more maintenance than running shoes and despite being a lot larger, are more prone to being stolen (as my last bike–and several before it–was).
On the plus side again, you can cover a lot more ground on a bike, zipping and gliding along.
Negatively, you can crash at high speed or get hit by a bus. I hardly ever crash when jogging. It’s really only happened once (stupid dog).
On a bike you ought to wear a helmet and no one ever describes helmets as “hugely sexy-looking and comfortable.” I wear a jaunty cap when I run and it adds a dash of flair, unless it rains, then it looks like some limp white blob died on my head.
Mainly, though, if I got a bicycle, I’d become one of them–the people I loathe at Burnaby Lake. Which people? These people:
> Look Your bedroom is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
> Turn on light The bedroom is filled with a warm light. You look at the carpeting and can’t remember the last time you vacuumed.
> Don’t judge me I don’t know the word “judge.”
> Good Good to know you, too.
> Eat breakfast You can’t do that here.
> Leave for work Are you sure you want to do that?
> No You leave for work.
> Bah You don’t see any bah here.
> Look out window of SkyTrain and enjoy the view You see a slate gray sky and rain comes down in sheets.
> Close eyes You close your eyes. For a moment it is silent, then the intercom squawks to life with an announcement.
> Listen to announcement “This is SkyTrain Control. A family of squirrels is on the track between Broadway and Nanaimo stations. Your train is being momentarily held while SkyTrain personnel investigate. We apologize for the delay and thank you for your patience.”
After thirty seconds the announcement repeats.
> Listen to music on phone Your phone has no charge as you did not plug it in last night.
> $#%&^! You don’t see any $#%&^! here.
> Wait You wait.
“This is SkyTrain Control. A family of squirrels is on the track between Broadway and Nanaimo stations. Your train is being momentraily held while SkyTrain personnel investigate. We apologize for the delay and thank you for your patience.”
> Wait You wait.
The intercom comes to life and someone on it loudly clears his throat.
“This is SkyTrain Control. A family of squirrels is on the track between Broadway and Nanaimo stations. Your train is being momentraily held while SkyTrain personnel investigate. We apologize for the delay and thank you for your patience.”
> Wait until train is moving The train begins moving.
> Check time It is 7:49 a.m. You are going to be late for work.
> Call work on phone Your phone has no charge as you did not plug it in last night.
> Well that’s just great You don’t see any well here.
> Shut up How rude.
> This sucks Can you be more specific?
> Look You are in a SkyTrain car.
In the car you see the following:
Several passengers Crumpled newspaper (under seat) Spilled soda A bicycle
The floor is covered with a sticky liquid that is slowly snaking toward yor feet.
> Cry Do you feel better now?
> No. How negative!
> Save Are you sure you want to save? Your score is 10 out of 500, giving you a rank of Newbie Commuter.
We get an extra day this month, but February 29th lands on a Monday so it’s really just a bonus day of drudgery and work.
And we still don’t have practical flying cars yet. Or impractical flying cars. Do I even need to mention the lack of functional robot butlers, the promised life of leisure as machines handle all menial work, leaving us humans free to create, explore and invent ever-better chocolate chip cookie recipes? I think not.
All told, 2016 is merely okay so far. It could be worse (Yellowstone super volcano erupting without notice), but it could be better (being able to control the weather–and super volcanoes–would be handy).
Today I spent some time editing a Word document. This is not an extraordinary thing on its own. In the year 2016 it is quite mundane.
However, I wasn’t just making a few simple changes to words or phrases, I was trying to edit a table. In one instance I was editing a table that was within a cell of another table.
I do not recommend doing this in Word unless someone is actively threatening you with a firearm or if refusing to do it would lead to something worse than Hitler.
Even then I would give it some serious thought.
I made the analogy to a co-worker that editing tables in Word was like driving a car with square wheels. Sure, it might be possible, but would you really want to do it?
No, you would not.
(The $9.99 in the title is the monthly price for the most popular Office 365 subscription, which gets you Word along with several other programs that might also drive you crazy if you try to create or edit tables in them.)
Some believe that when you die you go to Heaven. Some believe–including, but not exclusively those of the aforementioned group–that if you’ve been bad you’ll probably end up in the land of brimstone, damnation and fun instead.
The sticky part, of course, is that no one really knows because we’ve yet to see definitive evidence of someone keeling over dead and then shambling back from The Great Beyond to give us the inside scoop on the whole afterlife thing.
Assuming there is something that persists beyond the physical body, what would prevent those who have moved beyond physical form from stopping by to hang out and maybe explain that mysterious what-happens-after-you-expire thing? Would it cause the two realms to spontaneously poof out of existence? Are our physical brains too dumb and silly to comprehend the next phase of reality? Is The Other Side just too cool to share with lowly mortals? Do we need to patiently wait until we’ve evolved to look like those giant-headed brainiac aliens on the original Star Trek?
The first 23 hours of 2016 have been okay. I got a Compass card for transit since they’re now mandatory. It worked fine at the fare gates at Sapperton. Metrotown station doesn’t have gates yet due to station upgrade work. Instead they have little fare post things. They were very fussy with the card and I hate them.
I weighed in at a whale-like 169.5 pounds this morning due to holiday excess. The good news is the holidays are all done now so the shoveling of unneeded food should end. Should.
It was cold and sunny, except here in New West where great banks of fog rolling off the Fraser blotted out the sky and gave the area a spooky look.
It is Christmas Eve and as I enjoy some tea on this cool, crisp evening, here are my five favorite things about Christmas, in no particular order:
Eggnog. It’s actually kind of gross, like imbibing sickly sweet cream, but drinking it feels exactly like it is–a rich indulgence perfect for partaking of once a year
Presents. I don’t really care about getting presents but it would seem wrong to oppose them, unless they were mean reverse-presents like boxes of poop or something
Snow (provisional). I like snow on Christmas but only on two conditions: 1) I am not traveling 2) it doesn’t rain immediately (or not-so-immediately) afterward, turning the slow into slush
We’ve already passed the shortest day of the year, automatically making Christmas and every day up to the next winter solstice better
A Charlie Brown Christmas. It rails against the commercialism of the holiday, has a terrific jazzy score, uses actual children for the voices of children and delivers its message without feeling heavy-handed. It’s also a little weird in a way that’s hard to describe.
Bonus favorite thing: peace on Earth, if it ever actually happened.
With three days to go, Weather Underground is forecasting partly cloudy conditions, a 0% chance precipitation and a chilly high of 2ºC for Christmas Day.
Good: no rain
Good: no snow
Meh: 2ºC isn’t exactly summer weather but it’s still above freezing
I can live with–nay, embrace–this yuletide forecast. A crisp, cold day is roughly a billion times better than a torrent of rain or a bunch of snow that turns to rain and creates rivers of slush and when you come back from a walk you find your pants are somehow soaked all the way to your waist.
So here’s hoping.
Also, I am still sore from my run on Sunday. This is not weather-related but didn’t seem worthy of its own post (I write after devoting yet another post to a cat gif).
Sometimes when I sit down to write something on this ol’ blog, I do it early in the evening, when I’m just arrived home from work or shortly after dinner, when I am full, content and still reasonably alert. Occasionally I will post during lunch, if I’m feeling especially zany. I do not very often feel especially zany.
More often than I would like I post later in the evening. For example, right now it is 10:47 p.m. and after writing this post I will be off to bed and a night stuffed full of weird dreams, as has been the case of late. The reason I say more often than I would like is if I put off my blog entry until the end of the evening I find my mind has gone mushy and I sometimes stare at the blinking cursor and the only thought that comes to me is, “That cursor sure is blinking there.” And so I post an amusing cat image, because there are about 640 million of them to he had on the web. Cat images easy, writing a semi-intelligent blog post late at night hard.
I should soon have more to say regarding my writing, however, and who knows, eventually I may even resume running and have updates on that. There’s probably a spambot out there somewhere just itching for me to mention running shoes by brand name again, hoping to get in a helpful comment (and link) to some amazingly affordable knockoffs and/or male enhancement pills.
The Black Friday nonsense seems to be on the wane, though that may be partly related to the U.S. Thanksgiving coming so late this year. I’ll take what I can get.
I can now verify that this was entirely related to the U.S. Thanksgiving coming so late this year. My inbox is stuffed to the proverbial gills with Black Friday deals. I don’t know if it’s years of Steam sales featuring numerous 75% off deals, but none of these bargains are tempting me in the slightest. I am a bad consumer.
However, if I win $20 million in Saturday’s Lotto 6/49 draw I promise to buy many things and help kickstart the national economy.
I have always regarded buying lottery tickets as charity donations, as the odds of winning one of those nice multi-million dollar jackpots is about 1 in 14 million. Those are not good odds. And yet I buy because it’s easy, relatively cheap and the money I spend does go to good things. I’m not one of those unfortunate types who has become addicted to gambling, nor am I one who thinks my odds are improved by buying ten tickets instead of one, I sensibly buy only one per draw.
If I won I wouldn’t spend all my money on hookers and blow. I’d give some to charity, some to friends and family, I’d buy a nice place to live, maybe some new furniture. Nothing fancy or extravagant. Sure, I’d quit my job, but I wouldn’t become the idle rich, I’d work to improve myself. I’d travel and draw and write and help others with their worthy projects. I’d be a swell rich person.
Now I just need a big fat win to demonstrate how wisely I would use my newfound wealth.
